10 reasons why hillwalking is a pish idea
Tired of preaching to the converted, The Angry Corrie has taken to canvassing wider opinion on hillwalking. Thus, drinking bottles of Sol in a West End wine bar, we came upon Phil Stacey: dissolute barroom philosopher, libertine flotsam of the Glasgow music scene and Opponent of Hillwalking. On being plied with copious amounts of designer alcohol he was induced to give us his 10 reasons why hillwalking is a pish idea:
- The Pishing Rain Factor
- Pain. Hills are ridiculous. Climbing them requires vast amounts of effort and often appalling pain.
- The high incidence of the dull. One is obliged to stop and speak to some of life's most painfully pathetic wretches who in the normal course of events one would merely scoff at.
- Unpredictable sporadic appearances of varied wild fearsome animals (sheep, eagles, cows), whose intentions cannot be judged.
- One is obliged to be ugly.
- The summit is completely dissatisfying. One is stranded at some laughable geographical location known only to geologists and astronauts, speculating on further appalling pain required to negotiate the same obstacles on descent.
- Next to no sex takes place.
- The not-only-ugly-but-fast buggers, famous for appropriate clothing and for conjuring large but disgusting meals from a pan of hot water and repressing the sex drive (as in rugby).
- The continued failure of hillwalking to gratify the soul's more cultural needs (e.g. a shag in front of the fire, copy of the News of the World, packet of plain Hula Hoops eaten in conjunction with a Toffee Crisp).
- Possibility of non-return (i.e. Death).
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