Have you ever wished to join a mountaineering club whereby you can share with like-minded women the joys of mountaineering? Have you ever wished you could find a body of women to meet with on a regular basis in various hostels and bothies throughout Scotland and spend your days climbing the high mountains, pushing yourselves to the limits of endurance? I met several members of just such a club when I spent a holiday weekend in a northern Scottish Youth Hostel. To join this exclusive club you must possess several qualifications. Those which don't come naturally could be worked on and members are expected to practise regularly to perfect the following attributes:
- You must be over 70. Younger members will be tolerated but only if they are sufficiently masculine looking.
- You must talk in a very loud upper-class accent (the more English the better). This can be practised when you are out on the hills by putting small stones in your mouth and talking loudly. Be careful not to frighten the wildlife, though.
- You must be able to talk at length about your past mountaineering exploits and tell everyone within earshot your ambitious plans for the next day's walking. In reality you will opt for a gentle ramble along the beach due to the inclemency of the weather.
- Never change your clothing from one day to the next - in fact if you can go for a whole long weekend in the same clothes you will be awarded automatic membership. Typical uniform includes string vest, man's checked shirt (hairier the better), cord breeches and a shapeless woollen pullover. (What's wrong with that? - puzzled Ed.)
- Be as rude as you possibly can in Youth Hostels. Practise elbowing other Hostellers out of the way to get to your food box or cooker and hold long conversations in the places most likely to cause blockages, like doorways.
If you practise long and hard enough you may gain admittance to the ranks of the club. For those who think that such a club would not suit them, and not everyone is loud-mouthed, boastful, pushy and masculine, then avoid booking into a certain Youth Hostel in the Great Glen for New Year. You have been warned!!
'The Angry Corrette'
TAC 10 Index