The Angry Corrie 13: Jun-Jul 1993
Indoor Skills: Sleeping
This may be more difficult that it might sound. Sound is indeed often a problem - howling Gaels beating on the tent having just come back from the pub. Snoring is of course the thing which gets up everyone's nose. Unfortunately not everyone is as paranoid about their snoring as a friend of mine who insists on camping 100 metres away. He has now purchased an expensive device to put up his nose (more expensive than a cork), having discovered in some obscure medical report that snoring can reduce your life-span.
It is de rigeur these days to include some bogus mathematical analysis in TAC articles. (Surely "excellent mathematical analysis"? - Bill & TEd.) Accordingly this graph relates hours sleep to the amount of beer drunk:
Confusingly this looks like a "normal" curve - but what's the standard deviation? Physicists are unable to put numbers on the amount drunk, calling this the Heineken Uncertainty Principle. Soon enough the beer will reach your bladder, awake you, force you out of the tent, wet your feet and bag. Prostrate men seem to suffer more.
Contemporary maths has given us chaos theory: one small flap of a nostril inevitably leads to marital breakdown. Others... (That's enough maths - Ed.)
One solution for snoring is to purchase ear plugs. The plastic foamy ones are crap. The wax ones work well - able to exclude snores up to Force 3 on the Rictus Scale (make sure that your partner does not wear them so that cries of "Fire" can be heard). Extracting the brutes in the morning can be a problem. Once I had to get someone to pick out a torn-off plug with tweezers - a cringeworthy experience. Plugs are also useful in the pub if in the company of over enthusiastic Munro bores.
Others find the use of eye patches necessary. Cool dudes have been known to wear them on the hills as they look like sun-glasses. They double up as bandages in case heads get bumped. Last but not least is the midge problem. Exxon Braer-alikes spray Flypel round the tent (particularly when camping on Braeriach? - Ed.) not realising that they are killing themselves in the process. Mozzy netting up, the "shine the Petzel on the tent wall and squash the buggers" technique comes out well in an Ethical Consumer review.
Coming soon, to a rag nearyou...
Sleeping and Wet Dreams! (ie wet tents and dreams of nice peaks.)
Sleeping and Bagging the Best Spot in the Hut
How to s/eep in your bivvy bag.
The "Has Anyone Ever Had A Decent Night's Sleep In A Youth Hostel" (HAEHADNSIAYH) Award.