The Angry Corrie 15: Oct-Nov 1993
Wildlife Corner No. 3: The Sheep (again)
Way, way back in the halcyon days of TAC2, many nascent TAC readers were quite taken by our pioneering questionnaire assessing just how sheep-friendly hillgoers are. Having since been tempted across the biblical divide to examine the ways of the anti-sheep, the goat, we are pleased to announce...
Wildlife corner No.3: The Sheep (again)
1. The wilds of Scotland are a dangerous place, with bears, wolves and wildcats roaming in predatory mien. What would you use to defend yourself?
(a) A one foot long stiletto horn of finest ivory like the unicorn
(b) Two corkscrew, twisting daggers like the onyx
(c) A curious 360-degree curly horn which points backwards away from your foe
2. Enzo Ferrari has designed a new car. It is a two-seater bullet with 4.7 litre engine, turbocharger, limited slip differential and various other things beloved of men with small penises. What should Enzo call it?
(a) The Barracuda
(b) The Stingray
(c) The Sheep
3. Where would you like your pelt to end up?
(a) Making a floor-length raincoat for Mr Steve Van Zandt, to be set off by bandana, shades and unbelievably battered Fender Stratocaster
(b) Making a pair of cowboy boots to be worn by Ms Nanci Griffith as she croons her bittersweet tales of love and loss around the world
(c) Making woolly jumpers and tartan travelling rugs for American tourists to buy in the St Andrews Woollen mill
4. What is your idea of collective behaviour for wild animals?
(a) You are not really one for collective behaviour at all. You prefer a lonely life living regally on a crag from which to survey the glen, occasionally swooping on a hapless rodent for tea.
(b) You are not really one for collective behaviour at all. You prefer a lonely life living in the sea, only occasionally indulging in collective behaviour when making magnificent leaps up waterfalls.
(c) You stand around in large groups munching grass. If someone does something particularly stupid, you all follow.
5. The shepherd is gathering you all together for some cataclysmic event. It might be the sheep dip or it might be worse. You wish to avoid it. What is your course of action?
(a) Don a false beard and disguise
(b) Hide in the furthest corner of the pen keeping quiet
(c) Jump on top of another sheep and bleat like mad. He'll never notice you then.
6. Why do you think there is not a sheep stalking season?
(a) Pretty obvious really. Unlike the deer, the sheep is not a wily, quick-witted beast capable of leaping rivers and requiring hours of patient stalking
(b) Pretty obvious really. Unlike the salmon, the sheep is not a quicksilver, darting ribbon of energy, requiring patience and cunning to net
(c) Bit of a mystery really. Its head would be a noble sight mounted in the gun room of any shooting lodge.
7. The wilds of Scotland are a dangerous place, with bears, wolves and wildcats roaming in predatory mien. What do you think is the ideal physical make-up to survive?
(a) To be able to run like the wind and live in a hole where no one can get you
(b) Imperious flying ability, massive, razor-sharp beak and sinewy talons
(c) Short stubby legs and a huge thick woolly coat giving an improbably high centre of gravity
8. What do you think are the big ecological issues in Scotland today?
(a) Over-abundance of deer and the related disappearance of indigenous forestry
(b) Intensive fish fishing in the sea lochs, heavy use of antibiotics and a disturbance of the natural balance causing algae plagues
(c) None really: there's plenty grass
9. You are a world famous golfer. You have won extensively on the US and European tours, made millions in competition and even more from merchandising contracts. What nickname would you like from your fans?
(a) The Great White Shark
(b) The Golden Bear
(c) The Sheep
10. The poet Ted Hughes' life was a bit of a waste because:
(a) He expended phenomenal amounts of emotional energy in a doomed relationship with Sylvia Plath
(b) He took the Queen's Shilling and became Poet Laureate
(c) He never wrote a poem extolling the predatory skills of the sheep
For each (a) or (b) score zero. For each (c) score 100.
0 - You're no dafter than the rest of us
100-500 - you probably get agitated in springtime
>500 - ever feel uneasy when mint sauce is on the table?