The Angry Corrie 49: Apr-May 2001

TAC 49 Index

A few more thoughts on foot and mouth

Teresa Green:
We at Reforest Everything are disappointed that the disease has not as yet spread to the wild deer population, as a machine-gun cull of these wicked beasts would lead to a much-needed revitalisation of the ancient Caledonian Forest. Our research indicates that if 400,000 deer were eradicated then within three years the whole country would once again be embowered under a shady canopy, right to the highest hill-tops. We therefore see this as an opportunity missed, and urge the government to think again about their misguided policy of disease prevention. Rather than closing off hills, walkers should be encouraged to spread the virus by whatever means possible.
Pastor Jack Ben Glass:
This plague is a just reward for man's perpetual sinfulness. The Lord has sent down a scourge upon the cloven-footed beasts of the Earth, such that they will spread pestilence and petulance to the darkest corners of the land. They who walk in the Lord shall see a great light, as the Scripture says. But they who take in two Corbetts of an afternoon, then sup alcohol and indulge in fornication in the evening, shall suffer great torment for their worship of false gods.
Cameron Highlander, president of Ramble On Scotland:
Most right-minded hill journalists will see this whole palaver - and it is a palaver, believe me, a woolly palaver - as providing a long overdue chance to increase their media profile. I've been interviewed by BBC Scotland far more than I could ever have hoped for back at the turn of the year. Sky News was even on the phone at one stage, and I'm doing Graham Norton tomorrow night, then Parky next week.
Mr Fred Slurry, Swillbath Farm, Shepshed:
I've got bugger all sympathy for them ramblers with their fooking rambling sticks and dogs and stupid plastic macs. The only good thing to come out of this is not having to put up with seeing all them fresh-air scroungers parading across my fields day and night, trampling the crops. I wouldn't mind if they paid to do it, but they're just fooking freeloaders, that's what they are, fooking footpath freeloaders. The buggers should either pay up or keep off. And even if they pay up they should still be made to fooking keep off.
Bogdan Cragovic, member of the Croatian climbing team at the cancelled International Climbing Meet at Glenmore:
I and my climbing colleagues believe it is a NATO conspiracy to prevent legitimate refugees from eastern Europe finding a home in the land of wealth. The cancellation has been a disgrace, but we will not so easily lose our foothold on the great buttress that is Britain. I and many others plan to return next year to stow away inside the axle mechanism of the funicular railway, from where we will emerge after 27 days to stake our claim for asylum.
Kyle Forbes, Peterhead trawlermen's association:
Talk of Lottery handouts to uninsured farmers is excellent news and we fishermen fully support the farmers' fight against poverty. As a gesture of solidarity, I can announce that plans are already well advanced for an outbreak of fin-and-gill disease in the very near future.

TAC 49 Index