The Angry Corrie 50: Jun-Jul 2001
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Advertisement feature: THE BOLT-ON LEG REPLACEMENT KIT
It is with great pleasure that TAC welcomes back its most respected sponsor, the Bolt-Onš Corporation, whose absence from recent issues was due to an unfortunate downturn in the global prosthetic market (now thankfully resolved)
Leg shattered beyond repair? Foot hanging by a thread? Don't despair, the Bolt-Onš Leg Replacement Kit will allow you to get off the hill without a troublesome Mountain Rescue call-out and the inevitable widespread media condemnation that goes with it. Here's what to do:
- Mark out your amputation flaps. Use the Bolt-On Indelible Skin Marker to draw a dotted line completely around your thigh, about a third of the way from knee to groin. Starting from this line, draw another line about six inches long up the inside of your thigh. Do the same on the outside of the leg. Good! It's as easy as that to mark out the "muscle flaps" for an above-knee amputation.
- Start your amputation. Place the Bolt-On Bite Block (not included) between your teeth. (If this is unavailable, any stout piece of stick will do.) Now cut firmly along the dotted lines, making brisk slicing movements through skin and muscle. There is a tendency to rush at this point, but go carefully - watch out for the large blood vessels in the front of your thigh. When you find them, tie them off with the twine provided, and then cut through them. (If you are careless and cut them without applying ties, significant "hosing" may occur, which can be awkward to deal with.)
- Raise the flaps. Reached bone? Still conscious? Well done! Now gently lift the muscle flaps, and use the Bolt-On Periosteal Elevator to scrape away their underlying attachment to the bone, until you can see a good six-inch length of exposed femur. (Uncontrollable or hysterical sobbing is perfectly normal during this phase - but take care not to drool or vomit into the open wound.)
- Cut the bone. Nearly there! Fire up the Bolt-On Rotary Saw, and slice neatly through the bone at the upper end of its exposed length. Be sure to use Bolt-On Shatter-proof Glasses (not included) to keep flying bone chips out of your eyes.
- Select a self-tapping prosthesis connector. Compare the diameter of the exposed marrow cavity in your thigh bone to the Small, Medium and Large Bolt-Onš Prosthesis Connectors. Select whichever one seems to be the best fit, and use the Allen key provided to screw the threaded end carefully into the marrow cavity.
- Clamp on your new leg. Open the Bolt-On Quik-Leg Clamps (patent applied for) at the top end of your telescopic leg replacement, using firm thumb pressure. Identify the central locating stud, and offer it up to the prosthesis connector already in place on your thigh bone. Now tuck the muscle flaps gently under the Quik-Leg Clamps, and pull the release lever to snap them firmly shut around what remains of your thigh. Adjust the walking-pole style telescopic sections of the leg replacement until it matches the length of your good leg, and off you go!
- Tidy up after yourself. You will be keen to try your new leg immediately, but please don't leave the amputated limb lying around on the hill for others (or their dogs) to find. Follow the Comeback Code and take it home!
Caution: Always use the Bolt-On Disposable Foot Attachment (not included) if there is any danger of transmitting foot and mouth disease. Never attempt to replace both legs at the same time unless you have walking poles available for stabilisation. When in doubt, consult your family doctor.
And remember: A Bolt-On Leg Replacement is guaranteed to reduce knee loading by 100% - that's like not carrying around 7,000,000 adult male humpback whales during an average active lifetime!
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