Kilroy on Kilda (BBC1, 9.30am) The popular daytime host returns with cutting-edge chat from the outlandish Atlantic outpost. Today's topics: My wife has webbed feet; Auks and Arabs - a waste of space?
Big Strong Bothy Boys (ITV1, 10.15am) Shenavall gets the makeover as the team restore period features such as stone-flagged floors, candle-filled whisky bottles and tin-can contraptions apparently intended for the heating of drugs.
Gardens on the Edge (Five, 11.30am) Fed up with lumpy lawns? Tired of tussocks? Driven mental by midges? Join Tanya and the team as they completely cover Rannoch Moor with decking.
An Inspector Culls (BBC2, 3.05pm) As part of the channel's Hebridean season, cameras follow wildlife conservationists as they stumble around the Uists stamping out the evil menace that is the hedgehog. (Followed at 3.45pm by Animal Hospital.)
Friends (Channel 4, 5.30pm) The One Where Phoebe Joins The SMC (R)
The Simpsons (BBC2, 6.00pm) Homer's long-lost mountaineering cousin Joe pays a visit only for Bart to cut his rope.
The Copse (Channel 4, 6.30pm) Part-documentary, part-sitkacom. Consultants are hired to spruce up the image of the UK's less-than-loved treeplanters. It's too late, though: the most obvious idea - rebranding the Forestry Commission as FCUK - has already been nabbed.
Britain's Worst Mapreader (Five, 6.45pm) Norman from Darwen, Marie from Hounslow and Ashok from Wallsend try - and fail - to navigate their way out of a paper bag.
Legends of the Fall (ITV2, 7.00pm) See Pick of the Day
Clearances Clearances Clearances (Channel 4, 8.00pm) Return of the more-money-than-sense relocation series. This week, a couple of investment bankers buy a Highland glen and revitalise it with a blend of holiday cottages and asset stripping while also retaining a city pad in St John's Wood.
Sorry, We're Shut (UK Gold, 8.00pm) Sitcom about the Scottish tourist industry
Munrobaggers' Wives (ITV1, 9.00pm) Morar goes on a bender after finding Ben in bed with Clova when he was supposed to be at a club meet in the Mamores. And Reinhold returns from the Alps.
Trig Happy TV (BBC2, 10.00pm) Cameras follow an Aspergers-riddled bunch of inadequates as they traipse round various concrete measuring blocks in Cambridgeshire. Dull beyond belief.
- Pick of the Day -
Legends of the Fall (ITV2, 7.00pm) Sophie Wessex-Helicopter re-opens the curious case of Jacqueline "Lost in the Gorms" Greaves and argues that the entire history of mountain rescue is based on imaginary statistics and fabricated stories. "There is not one jot of hard evidence," Professor Helicopter argues, "that even a single accident has ever occurred to anyone, anywhere." Startling stuff, and she goes on to conclude that "rescue agencies have been on the make for years, kitting themselves out in new designer cagoules every few months, safe in the knowledge that no one - until now - has ever questioned their motives." An extraordinary and hard-hitting piece of investigative TV.
CSI: Crianlarich (Five, 10pm) The team are called in to solve a railway mystery after the body of a badger is found at Tyndrum Upper just hours after having been seen boarding the Oban train at Tyndrum Lower. ("Body of a bagger," surely? - Ed.)
Newsnight (BBC2, 10.30pm) Gavin Esler chairs a discussion on why his name is an anagram of Large Nevis. (Followed at 11.20pm by a Party Political Broadcast by the Windfarm Party.)
The World's Wildest Bothies (Discovery, 11.15pm) Hand-held footage of uproar in Culra and a beating behind Backhill of Bush. Junkie squalor, illicit liquor, bothy porn and Scottish country dancing, all the horrors are here. Followed at 11:57pm by Weir's Way.
Bonsai! (Channel 4, 11.30pm) The spoof horticultural gambling show visits the Benmore Garden in Cowal. How many tiny trees will Mr Tree-Planting Man plant along the shore of Loch Eck? 0-5? 6-9?? 10-15??? More than 15???? Place your bets now!!!
South Peak (Channel 4, 12.00am) Cartman goes to college and returns as Cartographyman, while Kenny does himself damage with a set of crampons.
Wilderness Walks (Classic Gold, 1.05am) Repeat of the popular walk'n'talk series with mountaineer and lifestyle guru Cameron McNeish. This week he accompanies Jordan as they enjoy the Paps of Jura.
Six Feet Under (E4, 2.15am) Documentary about snowholing.
Sportsweek (Eurosport, 3.30am) News and views from the world of bagging, climbing and general trudging about in the rain and snow, followed by a roundup of minority sports such as football, rugby, horse racing and golf.
Wilderness Wanks (Europorn, 4.35am) Erotic thriller in which a bored Borders housewife visits Cockplay Hill west of Langholm and (that's enough TV scheduling - Ed.)
He's a mountain man (100 Best Routes on Scottish Mountains), a sex guru (The Rumpy Pumpy Quiz Book) and a weird hybrid of the two (The Joy of Hillwalking). Now Ralph Storer is at it again, so to speak, offering his services as an agony uncle on a subject in which he has a long-standing interest...
TAC 62 Index