Scared of being shouted at by footpath-blocking farmers? Tired of being treated like a novice by National Trust wardens and countryside rangers? Then the Invisicag(r) is just the thing for you. Put it on and zip it up before you reach the path or corrie you're worried about, then stride straight past in full view of your enemy. Exude confidence! Swagger a little! Even give them the Vs as you pass! (But take care not to shout or swear, as the Invisicag(r) only makes you invisible, not inaudible.) Also useful for pretending to be the Grey Man and spooking people on Ben Macdui. Available in green, blue or red. RRP £279.99
Gents! Loved the summer of Ashes cricket but fed up seeing your assets freeze on the Forcan Ridge in that midwinter gale? Then the latest in cricket/hill crossover wear is a must. When you pause to put on crampons at the 600-metre contour, take a few extra seconds to shove the thermal box down the front of your Troll trousers. Comes complete with battery-powered 5V heater and non-slip Gore-Tex jockstrap. Guaranteed no sharp edges - but users are cautioned against the danger of short-circuiting when climbing deer fences. You'll never again have your crown jewels freeze on the Cairngorm plateau! RRP £29.99.
Central Office of Statistics figures reveal that 95.8% of hillwalkers now use two trekking poles, and compulsory pole-use is to be included in the next Queen's Speech, so you'll be glad of the new "Electric Leki" next time you try to turn left or right out of heavy walker traffic at Sty Head, Esk Hause or any busy path junction. Simply raise the relevant pole, press the button on the hand-grip, and orange flashes show oncoming walkers that you intend to turn down Borrowdale or wherever. Press buttons on both poles simultaneously and the resulting "hazard" signal alerts tailgating ramblers should you need to stop and tie a bootlace or fiddle with your Platypus. £142.99 per pair. (The manufacturer is not responsible for collateral damage due to flailing poles.)
Had to crawl to an icy summit in half a hurricane? Not comfortable using traditional ice tools? Then try the new knee crampons - slipped on over boots and gaiters, easily tightened using neoprene straps. Crawl along that knife-edge ridge in perfect safety - don't give even a moment's thought to ice-axe arrest! Save the small fortune you would have spent on that winter skills certificate! Never say névé again! (Note that the manufacturer disclaims responsibility for cruciate ligament damage if knee crampons are fitted inside out.) A pair of 12-point Prickly Patellas costs £79.99. And coming soon - Grippy Gauntlets - spiked gloves to make things even easier.
Never again have to choose between GPS and personal music centre when it comes to precious rucksack space. Take them both! The iPlod lets you pre-program your GPS waymarker so your favourite chart ringtones play as you trudge through the clag to that crucial cairn or col. Nine Inch Nails on Nine Standards Rigg! The Clash on Clach Glas! Runrig on Dun Rig! Barry Manilow on Bleaklow! The choice is endless. You'll be the envy of fellow wilderness-lovers! £347.99 (extra download space £50 per gigabyte).
TAC 66 Index